chapter 5b 

(The Mistress) 

Moïse Berri 

and the Reconstruction of the Haitian 

Space Agency 

by Jude Jarda 

5b 

The Mistress 

Ulysses Hercules leaves town via highway 55 South, heading for the headquarters of his main business, an automobile complex located in Joliet, Will County, roughly sixty kilometers south-west of Chicago. Legitimus Automotives operations are divided into three distinct branches: a transparent subsidiary regroups six Japanese car dealers, a tractor-unit and semi-trailer renting service, a bus refurbishing factory and an agricultural machinery distributor; another division runs two general mechanic garages and a specialized shop that transforms Lincoln Town Cars into limousines and armored vehicles; finally, the most suspicious department of the enterprise sells used truck parts and exports heavy-duty equipment, mining and oil drilling rigs to embargoed countries; it also manages, on a giant field, the destruction of smashed subcompacts and vans for the benefit of several shady insurance companies and particulars that generally refuse to identify themselves or sign any legal forms. 

Aaron Solidaire spots Ulysses Hercules as soon as he crosses the gates of the parking lot. Mr. Solidaire steps on a Segway and speeds up to go and meet with the president of Legitimus Automotives. The head of the establishment has the bad habit to turn off his phone and become practically unreachable once he is at work, supposedly to counter corporate espionage. No one knows where U.H.D. Legitime's office is located, but the canniest employees understand that he must have more than one. Aaronson Solidaire is a Haitian immigrant who climbed the ladder of the institution at a spectacular pace, jumping from junkyard clerk to assistant-director in charge of purchase in less than one year, even with his limited English and complete lack of managerial skills. Mr. Solidaire believes that his dazzling ascent is the result of his degrading servility, but in reality, he only got promoted because he worked in the nineties as a stage manager for a Haitian singer named Sweet Micky. Ulysses Hercules heard about Aaronson's collection of pictures of the artist on tour, backstage and at various fairs and carnivals. Owning these photos, knowing that they can easily be digitally altered, now that Sweet Micky is known as His Excellence, Joseph Michel Martelly, is like a long term investment, considering the long list of enemies of the Haitian President and their impatience to see him stumble and fall. After being machiavellianly modified, using a graphics editing program, these images could someday be used to extort money, negotiate a temporary diplomatic immunity in exchange of their destruction, give some denigrating power to the Haitian Senators or, at the least, provoke a media crisis by selling them for cheap to a ruthless tabloid. U.H.D. only needs to find a Photoshop expert who can add a couple of naked livid teens on the many pictures where the ex-singer is shirtless; or maybe add a goat in a suggestive position in the background, on the pics where His Excellence is clothed like a queen; or simply spread some baby powder and scatter a dozen syringes randomly in the decor, on the shots where Micky appears sweaty and tired, like the ones in his dressing room after a performance. Ulysses Hercules doesn’t hate President Martelly. It's the complete opposite. He loves the guy for being so close to the population and keeping the country for so long in a state of peace and under law and order. Trouble is, when there is regulation, discipline and general stability in Haiti, Ulysses Hercules Dondedieu Legitime has a lot of problem laundering and making dirty money. 

“Mister Legitime!” Aaronson Solidaire hails. 

“Oh! Anderson! How is my champion?” 

“Aaronson,” corrects the executive, smiling profusely. “My name is Aaronson, Mr. President. I'm doing great, thank you, Sir. How about you?” 

“I cannot complain. I don't have that right with my luck, my brave man. A stiff neck since I woke up, but I took some analgesics. They make me feel kind of groggy, like if I was a little bit tipsy, but it's working. I can feel the muscles relaxing. You know? Is everyone in your family healthy, happy, rich and doing okay, today, Champ?” 

“Everybody is in good shape, thank God. I know you just arrived, Mr. President, but the Greek refuses to leave my office before reaching an agreement with you.” 

“What was his last bid?” 

“We have six Town Cars and six Navigators going for thirty thousand dollars a piece. They are worth about forty-five and up, according to my Red Book and the Triple A.” 

“Keep bargaining the price down. The Greek only comes here in person when he is broke and reluctant to share his profits with a twisted associate. Kostas won't leave the premises empty handed, trust me.” 

“The Lincolns are virtually brand new, Sir. We’re talking four numbers on the odometer. When their wheel bases will all be lengthen, and their interior embellished with plasma televisions, hi-fi speakers and lots of eye catching decorations, we'll end up with limousines selling for more than a hundred grand. With your permission, I would make the Greek sign at three sixty for the twelve vehicles. We'll make a huge profit and the Greek will come back to us more often. I am convinced that he will eventually forget all about the Italians down in Indianapolis.” 

“Kostas ain't going anywhere. This merchandise is way too hot to hit the Interstate safely. Go back to him with a grim face. You tell that dingbat, we can spit three big ones right away to close the deal or wait for an answer from Citibank at the end of the day. They might agree to unfreeze the rest of the money before Monday or the end of the month. What do we know? Leave that greedy motherfucker in a quiet room, right after you tell him so. Make sure he doesn't have access to a water fountain and that he is far from the men's room. Don't let this asshole figure out where the coffee maker is or where he can find the vending machines. Run away from him, be nowhere to be found, but make sure that prick can reach you by phone as soon as he decides to capitulate and sign the goddamn contract. If the Greek insists on leaving Joliet without the goods, call a squad of goons from shipping, tie him down on a chair and call me through the inter phone. Is that clear?” 

“I'll do as you say, Mr. President.” 

“By the way, Champ, tell me you didn't forget about these famous photos of our beloved Haitian funky Head of State. You know, that thing we talked about the other day? I can’t wait to see that one, where he is supposedly wearing make-up and dancing in his briefs.” 

“How could I forget, Mr. Legitime? They've been on stand by in my car for three weeks now. The glove compartment is messy, but you'll find them on top of my fishing and hunting magazines. I didn't want to bother you with that. I understand that you're a busy man with no free time left for anything that is not profitable. I do remember you promising me fifteen hundred bucks for them, though. So I renewed my NRA membership on my MasterCard, and I got myself a brand new set of washing and drying machines. Needless to say that Sears sent me the bill right away. Their memory is quite infallible.” 

“Pass me your keys.” 

“Here they are, Mr. President. My Camry is parked in front of the paint lab. The papers are in the glove box. Sorry again for the mess. It's my son. He wants an allowance, but when you ask him to help clean the house or the garage, all he ever answers is: tomorrow, Pops; after I am done downloading this and uploading that, I'll be right on it, Pops. At least, he doesn't hang out with the Forest Park hoodlums anymore.” 

“Can I borrow your ride for the rest of the day? I must go back to Chicago for the afternoon. I've got an appointment in the Loop, on West Madison.” 

“What is mine is yours, Mr. Legitime. You can even adopt me, if you feel like it. As long as you bring me the money on your way back, everything is fine with me.” 

“That’s what I’ll do.” 

“God bless you, Sir. You know how to bring happiness in one man's heart.” 

“See you later, Adamson.” 

“Aaronson, Sir. Don't fool around with my head, I beg you, please. When you sign me that check, make sure you write Aaronson; not Iverson, Alfredson or anybody's son. My name is Aaronson Solidaire,” adds the purchasing director, handing his business card to Ulysses Hercules. 

The president of Legitimus Automotives finds his employee's Toyota parked behind a beat up tow truck. U.H.D. Legitime uses a bactericidal wipe to clean the door handle of the sedan and opens it very cautiously. He takes a quick peek inside and opens the over packed glove compartment, using only two fingers. The highly coveted pictures rest on top of the jumble. Ulysses Hercules enters the main garage and orders the chief-mechanic to make sure that the Camry is washed and disinfected within the next half-hour. U.H.D. Legitime also asks Mr. O'Reilly to run a complete tune-up on the vehicle. He then rushes to the maintenance department. No one is following him and no eyes can be seen; Ulysses Hercules types a code on a barely visible stainless steel keypad and disappears behind a door with no handle. He finally emerges into a corridor that leads to one of his top secret offices. U.H.D. Legitime gets undressed, but keeps his underwear, socks and shoes on. All the furniture in the room seems to be new; some items are still wrapped in their original plastic membrane. Once he is settled in his executive chair, Ulysses Hercules gets down to business in a predatory mode. Five conversations later, the parts and the necessary equipment needed to transform the Lincolns into limousines and bulletproof vehicles are bought, the salaries of all the contractors are negotiated and two buyers are confirmed. Half of the goods will be sent to Arcadio Enrique Jesus Mendes, a sugar producer from Dajabón, in the Dominican Republic. The other half will be delivered to La Gônave Island, by the end of the month, to William Anne Dumortier, a crime syndicate kingpin. Proud of his transactions, Ulysses Hercules proceeds to another long séance of hand washing and disinfection of his workplace. Even the electric sockets are thoroughly scrubbed. Ulysses Hercules takes another dose of his wife's miracle pills to combat his recurring neck pain. A female robotic voice is heard after a short jingle on the inter phone. 

“Code 1804: please communicate with the acquisition department. Code 1804; thank you.” 

U.H.D. Legitime immediately calls Aaronson Solidaire, already celebrating a great victory. Because Code 1804 means him, the big boss, as a person; and no one would dare to call that code number without a money making deal already in the pocket. 

“You put him a bag?” 

“The Greek finally admitted defeat just like you predicted, Sir. He kept using his iPhone to check his bank account balance. I don't speak his tongue, but he kept mentioning the word casino to whoever he was talking to. The Greek is probably crumbling under a ton of debts, if you ask me.” 

“I'm leaving the money to O'Reilly. You and I will meet by the end of the afternoon to rejoice.” 

“Don't you want to close the deal yourself, Sir?” 

“There's no signature needed. Besides, I have been doing business for eight years with the Greek, and I never met him in person. Kostas thinks I'm an extremely dangerous made man that he must avoid and fear, so why change a winning formula?” 

The president of Legitimus Automotives turns his chair around, facing a copy of the Metamorphosis of Narcissus hanging on the wall behind a row of filing cabs. He moves the painting that hides an immured safe. Ulysses Hercules finds 309 600 American dollars in piles of hundreds inside the small vault. He starts laughing audibly. U.H.D. Legitime is persuaded that Benjamin Franklin just winked at him. Suddenly euphoric, he decides to give a 5000 dollars gift to the Greek, thinking that a generous bonus will reinforce Costa's fidelity and respect for him. Awarding a grant is a very unusual gesture for an avaricious man like Ulysses Hercules. That makes him realize that the medicine he took from his wife is much more powerful than ordinary pain killers. He now feels completely doped up; still able to be effective, but definitely intoxicated. Happy and smiling, he puts his clothes back, places two thousand dollars in the left pocket of his pants, two thousand more in his right one and six hundred bucks in his wallet. He then loads up a travel valise with the cash for the transaction and makes sure everything is in order before leaving his office. Back to the main garage, he entrusts O'Reilly with a bag containing the 305 000 dollars to be given to Costa the Greek. Ulysses Hercules asks about the Camry. The Irish mechanic informs him that only two break pads were replaced and that the vehicle now smells like fresh lilacs. Mr. O'Reilly would like to have a few words with Ulysses Hercules, concerning his daughter Meredith. She was fired two weeks ago from Legitimus Automotives for no apparent reason and without any warning from her position as customer service director. She is now depressed and talking about suing the company. U.H.D. Legitime promises to put a light on that situation later, when he comes back from the Loop. The president of Legitimus Automotives then walks away like a drunken man. 

Half an hour after hitting the road, Ulysses Hercules Dondedieu Legitime must admit to himself that he is, at this point, a lethal menace to society, sitting right behind the wheel of that Toyota. He is travelling at exactly 26 miles per hour, in the left lane, of course, listening to a very loud and distorted version of Cindy Lauper's Girl Just Want to Have Fun and repeating over and over again that mustard tastes much better than mad cow disease. A sudden flash of lucidity brings him back to reality. Ulysses Hercules will not go meet his mistress at a fancy restaurant in that physical and mental state. 

“Hello, Berenice?” 

“Ulysses!” 

“Small changes in the program, my dear, I am not feeling well.” 

“Do you want me to fake being surprised? I knew you where lying, when you said that we where going to spend some quality time together this week.” 

“I'm not doing well at all. I swallowed some pain relievers that were probably pre-measured to knock down large animals. I took three of them. I think I had six. I have no idea what it is, I took. Listen to this: I've been driving on the 55, heading north, for I don't know how long, but I just realized that I was actually the driver of the car. I'm calm, don't panic, but emotionless, totally disconnected. My vision is affected too. Everything seems brighter and the sky is kind of fluorescent. I hear just about every sound available in the universe, even when there's no noise. I'm sweating a lot and I keep scratching my neck at the same spot.” 

“Take the next exit before you kill someone, Ulysses. No! That's a bad, bad, bad idea. You would attract all the cops in the area. Is there a clinic in your surroundings?” 

“How would I know this, Berenice? I'm totally wasted. All I can tell you is that I am near Bolingbrook.” 

“Don't go in there with your million dollar Maybach, you would instantly get arrested at the first stop.” 

“I borrowed an employee's car, a Japanese intermediate, something a loser would use.” 

“It sounds better. Okay, go to my place if you think you can stay awake. Don't go and lie down in the bathtub. I don't want you to drown. Armandine and Thomas are home. They'll be happy to see their dad even if he is stoned.” 

“What about Clyde?” 

“Like always, you're the last one to learn about what's going on in this family. Your big boy just left for the United Kingdom with a bunch of his Mormon friends.” 

“He is just a child.” 

“He is eighteen and has no father figure to oppose him, so he does whatever he feels like. I'll come and meet you in about an hour or so. If the symptoms persist, call Doctor Stewart. If you get worse, dial 911 and tell them the truth. They need to know what you've ingested.” 

Ulysses Hercules finally arrives at his concubine's house in Jefferson Park, North West of Chicago. His thirteen year old daughter is waiting for him on the porch. She has the deep serious look of a mature teenager who already knows what she's going to do in thirteen years, after a post doctorate in genetic engineering or neurosurgery. U.H.D. hands her a handkerchief containing the three remaining pills and hugs her tightly. He simply cannot control the tears of joy pouring out of his eyes. That salty taste in his mouth is something rare. He blames himself for not stopping by the mall to buy her a gift. Ulysses Hercules takes the six hundred dollars from his wallet and gives it to Armandine with a big I love you and a kiss on the forehead. Armandine is so surprise that she wishes her dad took drugs more often. Ulysses Hercules removes his vest and falls on the sofa, sighing of relief, but abnormally anxious and nervous. The unpleasant side effects of the medication have increased dramatically. U.H.D. now suddenly fears for his life and the security of his eldest son, gone to England with a group of unemployed and over-religious young men. Armandine brings him a glass of water and recent pictures of Clyde, traveling through Europe. She reminds her dad that joining Facebook would be a good thing to do if he wants to stay in touch with them. Every detail of their lives is posted daily on that social site. Ulysses Hercules wonders where his son Thomas might be. According to his last Facebook post, his daughter reveals, Thomas is currently playing XBOX at the Hopkins residence. Armandine brings up that Tommy's teachers would like to meet his dad one of these days to discuss discipline. Armandine returns to her computer in the kitchen to continue her research on the mysterious capsules. She photographed and published the images of the analgesic on a couple of health forums. The letters OC are inscribed on one face, the number 160 on the other. When the awaited answer comes back to her, she doesn't find her father in the living room to warn him about the imminent danger. His wallet and is vest are still on the sofa, but it looks like if he took the car to pay a visit to Trevor Hopkins and his parents, ten blocks away. Ulysses Hercules is impatient to give a big hug to his younger child and tell him how much he loves him. 

The neighborhood patrol service crosses Mr. Ulysses Hercules Dondedieu Legitime on its path. The patrolman stops his Jeep and takes the time to salute him with respect. The Loyola student has seen the father of Clyde Robert Gallien a couple of times before, driving his discontinued Maybach. The fact that he is on board of a people's car doesn't change his status as a very important man. Inside U.H.D.'s chemically unbalanced brain, the patrolman is a bearded troll with fiery hair, menacing him of a violent death in Old Norse. That is why Ulysses Hercules chooses to step on the pedal, asking himself whether that creature was real or just a creation of his mind. He immediately crashes into the back of a yellow school bus. Ulysses Hercules starts looking for his wallet and driver's license, which he cannot find. He opens the glove box of the Camry, hoping that he will at least stumble upon the matriculation papers of the vehicle. They're there all right, just beneath the pictures of the president of Haiti. But Ulysses Hercules also discovers a ton of information from the National Riffle Association, a .357 Magnum cartridge and a Smith and Wesson revolver that seems as big to him as a rocket launcher. The electrical activity in his cardiac chambers takes a pause. Ulysses Hercules pees in his pants, roughly ten per cent of his bladder content. The driver of the school bus is a midget with pink hair. She is standing two inches from his face, eyeing the firearm, her mouth open, her body, paralyzed. Ulysses Hercules takes another surprising decision, but in perfect harmony with his impaired judgment and diminished faculties. He puts the car in reverse and tries to flee the accident scene. Armandine appears in the rear view mirror. 

“Father! Father! We've got to rush you to the hospital.” 

“I can't find my driver's license. Daddy is in big trouble, my darling.” 

“How many of those pills did you take?” 

“Three or four, I don't know anymore.” 

“That thing is like legal opium, even frequent users overdose on this.” 

The end result of this chaotic situation is hard to calculate for Ulysses Hercules at the moment. He knows for sure that his immediate future will have something to do with the law enforcement. U.H.D. Legitime just fled the scene of an accident that implicated preschool kids; he does not have any papers to prove his identity; he is also a Black man in a predominantly White neighborhood, driving an automobile that is not his and that contains a possibly loaded firearm. Let's not forget that he is currently under the effect of a strong opiate and that he is carrying an impressive amount of cash in his pockets. Like if it wasn't enough, the real Chicago Police shows up at the corner of the street, guided by the hysterical bus driver. A voice in U.H.D.'s head proposes two different plans to him. Plan A consists of lying down on the stomach, both hands visible at all time and keeping his mouth completely shut until he speaks to a lawyer. Ulysses Hercules opts for plan B. He tries to escape the police by running in a zigzag pattern and by hiding behind trees so as to become invisible. It doesn't take time before a very nervous agent yells: 

“Freeze!” 

“Father!” Armandine cries out. 
“Shoot that no good nigger!” the small school bus driver rages. 

Those are the last words that Ulysses Hercules Dondedieu Legitime hears before losing conscience.